Literally a Heart Ache

A little bit of a year after I graduated from high school, I gave into bulimia. I thought it would cure me of so many hurts. Weight, sadness, and so on. Stuff my face, squash all emotions by stuffing my self to the point of no return and then force it back out. At first it sucked but it eventually became addicting. The emptiness at the end of it made me feel light, and free. All the emotions would get absorbed by the amounts of food I would eat and then wash away down the toilet when the cycle was all over. And the bonus was (in my mind) that I didn't have to put a single thought into what I ate. Whatever I wanted...I ate. As much as I wanted, I ate....

But then the part of me that analyzes, calculates, and is often a curse, started to get curious about what bulimia was really about. Reading that I could have a heart attack scared me. All I could imagine was being out to dinner with friends and my heart giving out leaving me to be found right there on the bathroom floor. Yea, no way. It was tough because I was addicted. I would pray to not let this be the moment I would die from it. But I wasn't "skinny" and so just being free from emotions wasn't enough to hold me to it. I just didn't see the benefit of it anymore and quit. So I found another release for the pain. 

But ironically here I am now in a space where I find that the very foods I eat I worry about giving me a heart attack. And for brief moments I hate food and I just don't get it. I feel like its a lose/lose situation. In or out it was making me feel rotten and unworthy. I know a lot about what's good for me now and I tend to (which means 80% of the time) eat very healthy food. In fact our house is just as much vegetarian. But the struggle exists still from time to time.

In my heart though I know that God has really made such a exquisite way for our bodies to be nourished and for us to not have such battles and I try hard to use Gods blessings for strength instead of for a weapon against my body. I try harder to not be afraid to absorb the joy of food instead of the food absorbing the fear in me.  

"And he made them a feast, and they did eat and drink." Matthew 26:30

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Late Night Confession

What if...

We ask ourselves this question so often. We make resolutions based on things we wish we had done different in our past. Well at a friends urging, I ask myself today what if I will instead of what if I had.

I have a few really great blogs I follow. And as a result I often find other really great blogs. And there are two out there that are on that same train of thought. Their resolutions are not some list of things they intend to find a solution to. And end of sorts. And then never staying the course, only looking back and finding themselves falling into the what if I had pit when they get about half way there.

Instead they have given them self permission to do.
"What if I will?", they ask. What if I will allow myself to...

Brilliant! I am so in love with this idea.
And between my friend (who I am so thankful for talking about movement forward) and these blogs, I may have already known, but sometimes it takes the burst of someone else's energy to spark a newness.

2011 drum roll....

1. Watch the sun set from my kitchen window (an incredible view!) every night it's possible.
2. Let my husband lead more often.
3. Buy the camera I want
4. Give myself permission to believe I am a working professional, even from home.
5. Actually sign up for the gym and take a class.
6. Let the house go every now & then.
7. Eat this and not that five days out of seven.
8. Let God be almighty as He is and use His extraordinary powers in my life. I give myself permission to let God direct my life, especially when I don't see the way.
9. Laugh at the things that make my children laugh.
10. Eat pizza every Friday & ice cream every Saturday and bake more cookies just because.
11. And finally I give myself permission to enjoy every open house I go to this year because one of those houses will be mine.

That took me all day/night to come up with! I thought I'd write it out in 20 mins, no prob. Ha! More like 20 hours. But now I am captivated by the newness ahead.

Oh and p.s. subject to change....why...because its gonna be that kinda year :)
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Faith: Goodbyes

Suffering sucks. In the natural its the worst feeling ever to suffer. To go through afflictions. Spiritually though it is written that "many are the afflictions of the righteous". but it is also said that the Lord delivers us from them ALL. And I have questioned time and time again the type of deliverance that is given. Can it be death where you find the peace? And I think I know my answer...

my brothers and sisters on my dads side have a cousin who i got to meet unfortunately at the time of his mothers death a year ago. And we finally got a chance to talk through out this year. He suffered deeply and greatly. And tonight his deliverance was given. sadly in his natural life being taken. I am sad because he was so young and because I know it will hurt my family and because I know that it reminds me again of how inevitable it is. 

I turned to the scriptures to find my peace and in 1 Corinthians 15, starting at verse 12 I run across "the resurrection of the dead". It talked about how when a seed is sown it does not grow up in the same shape/form it was planted..."So will it be with the resurrection of the dead. The body that is sown is perishable, it is raised imperishable; it is sown in dishonor, it is raised in glory; it is sown in weakness, it is raised in power;  it is sown a natural body, it is raised a spiritual body."(v.42-44)

He will/has found deliverance. I am sorry my family has to grieve again for yet another so quickly. I hate being reminded. I may not want to live forever but I want it to be long enough to see my children's children, if not a few more. 

R.I.P.D.

Beware: Emotion Straight Ahead

I always swore in my head that I wasnt one of those emotional eaters. Not me. I ate when I was hungry. I ate pretty good. I mean I cook and deal with food as a profession. I spew goodness when I talk of food and its good and bad attributes. So not me, I am NOT an emotional eater!!!! Ha, who was I trying to convince. We are trying to move and things just didnt pan out like we thought (our life story it seems). And what did I do...I went to Jack n the Box and ordered a meaty breakfast burrito. Should I have lied to you all and said I had tofu and spinach (which I do love by the way)??? No, here it is...I ate at Jack n the Box. And one breakfast burrito by itself I imagine is no harm, but I am going out with friends tonight for burgers. (I know...so much for my vegetarian journey) Eating is so emotional. I never noticed before. I guess its a good sign that I see it now, because they say for addicts that acknowledging it is the first step. For me, sometimes that first step should NOT be to Jack n the Box :)

Biggest Loser

Yea, I used to be an athlete and a dancer. I played t-ball, softball, volleyball, basketball, threw shotput and discus, danced through high school. Yea, that was me 20+ years ago. But today, when I went on a walk near the airport up these three hills (our new spot for "cross-training"). it had me feeling like one of the folks from the Biggest Loser. Not in a good way either. I admit, i feel good, day two of The Hills. Not as achy as my husband. But inside I feel like the fattest cow alive. milk me and call me done!

Acorn #60

Enough with the grey hair already...I am only thirty...something!

Drop the weight, Drop the hair

Ok I am on a countdown of sorts. I always said that I wanted to have a REALLY short haircut like this....

However, I need a slim looking face like that to pull it off. (Don't ask, and don't tell. Its just set in my mind that way about the "look" that I want.) So I know I need to get my butt up and working on making the changes to not lose the weight but to release the weight. Drop it off in the back roads of some remote, remote desert under a rock never, ever to be found :)

ok, here goes....30 days for a lifetime and a REALLY cute haircut!

Welcome Back to the page!

I updated the blog page. I had it dark and i just seemed to have lost interest in it. I spent so much time on facebook that it seemed silly to be blogging also. But I got a bit of a creative streak back in me, did my banner, lightened it up and tada...back in the game.

Now...off to tend to the kids. Back with more insightful things to say because things are good!

check out the hubby's blog too. He sees and does the craziest stuff.

http://donicewaterreport.blogspot.com/

Old folks need work too

Another job rejection. Too old. Not enough drive.

"workers in their 40's and 50's have been weakened by the fear that employers think you're washed up. You have been brought to your knees by conventional wisdom that others buy into that says technology belongs to the young and older workers hate change and can't adapt."

"69% of executives said they've been the victims of age discrimination when applying for a job."

All the experience and schooling...you can't win or lose. And yet and still its when your older that you tend to have more obligations. So what's an old folk to do when you are back beating the streets for a job?

vnorene.blogspot.com

I will survive

Why is being a "victim", a "survivor" always so dramatic? I'm for moving forward.
vnorene.blogspot.com

Business and pleasure

Keep your enemies close and your friends closer. That's what the saying says. And so if it turns out to be a wolf in sheeps clothes, would you want a wolf that close to you. In the mix of your business at hand? Would you be prepared once you realized the disguise is off and the gig is up? What would you do with a big bad wolf?
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TMI

a new set of fun facts on me! Dont you just love em.

22. I struggle with the bad parts of my past still.
23. I always wanted to be an auto mechanic. for nascar or something like that but i didnt really want to have grease under my nails all the time.
24. I think the guys around my apts who sell drugs ( and there a plenty of em) are silly riding around in their fast cars and such. i mean, who are you fooling, we all live in the same crappy neighborhood. impress me and buy a house in the hills!
25. i miss my cousins quite a bit. on both sides of my family. we all grew up together and are finding it hard to come back together. i know its life but big family gatherings make me VERY happy.
26. i get very irritated when i get woken up in the middle of the night. and i dont think my kids plan on sleeping through the night till their out of the house.
27. ive had one really good friend for 28 years now.
28. im afraid to turn out like my mom. irony is, she is afraid to turn out like hers.
29. i think socilaism is a good idea. mixed in with a little capitalism and we could be a mighty great country.
30. i would like to visit canada, haiti, and jersey again. yea, jersey. i LOVED the snow there.
31. I love Superbowl Sunday! I love football actually, so any given sunday is good.
32. I cant really stand bananas because they are just too darn mushy. I eat em anyway cuz they are sooo good for me.
33. I always drink a tall glass of ice cold water before i go to bed. even though i know im gonna have to wake up in the middle of the night to pee (see 26)
34. i love the smell of vanilla.
35.i love hot apple cider.
36. i love hot chocolate.
37. i cant stand coffee.....bleh

Round 2

9. i LOVE those sweetheart candies that come out at Valentines

10. sleep IS my best friend!

11. YOu might think I'm crazy, but I do plan out ways of escape from emergency situations all the time. Like if the house breaks out in a fire. If someone robs the 7-11 while I'm in it. If I get carjacked while waiting at a light, so on and so forth. And I just saw 20/20 tonight and I'm not alone!!

12. I love watching old folks swing to some good ol' Big Band.

13. I can't stand cigarette smoke.

14. I love rain.

15. I can't stand talk radio.

16. I actually like staying home with the kids and being a student.

17. I still have the desire to study criminal justice. Just hasnt worked out to be the plan for me to finish it.

18. I LOVE my blackberry phone :)

19. I miss my daughter Tay more than she knows.

20. I love my sons mischevious side. I wont tell him that now. I have to stay the parent, but when he's older.

21. Seven hugs are the best. It makes me feel loved beyond measure.

365 Days

I saw a friend of mine mention that she was going to write down 100 things about her self in a blog and i thought i wonder if i could do 365 days worth. Now I know we are totally into the 8th day of the year but why the heck not. So i got some making up to do. And these will be listed just as they come to my mind...

1. I'm 5'4" and have been since the 9th grade. And trust me that was a long time ago.
2. I have spent more time on the computer in the last 7 years than i have in the 29 years before that.
3. I LOVE photography. Mine, friends, strangers, artists, professionals. I secretly desire to be an NFL photographer.
4. I have three amazing children who I think are such gift to my soul. God really trusted me enough to do this and its something I cherish deeply.
5. I do have a soul mate
6. Hawaii is a dream place for me. I would love to live there.
7. I chew the side of my mouth inside. (soothes the wisdom teeth) Bad habit though. Got scolded once at work cuz they thought I was chewing gum.
8. I love camping. really dirty in a tent on the ground mess kit wash up with cold water flashlight under the stars kinda camping.

This isnt that bad... Tune in for another weeks worth!

My Secret

This all originally started out as a way to vent through some of the hurt I was going through and it has turned into a great outlet and sharing place for me. I know I only have one reader but hey...

I have done a lot of healing once I was able to let it all out and I am thankful for "blogging". I've been writing in journals since I was 12. I have folders and folders of my emotions and experiences all laid out on pages and pages. I type tons better though than ever and so I have laid the old pen and paper down.

So I've had a million thoughts and subjects on my mind in the last week and have started to come on to write but now because there is so much, I find myself signing off and then back on and then off....hahaha. i crack myself up. But here is the one thing I have to say for tonight:

ONE SMALL MOVIE GAVE ME THE BIGGEST SECRET OF ALL TIME.

oh you'll have to wait for the next post...