The Other Woman

This has really been bugging me for days now. This notion of the "other woman" being a homewrecker. uugghh. I mean, i guess now that I have been both sides of the coin, i can feel both sides of the issue. I hate that I was introduced to the world of cheating. Surprisingly it wasnt in this relationship or even my previous adult relationships that I was snuck into this world. I had to say I was probably 12, maybe a year or two older. I'd have to dig deep on this one. But I knew something wasnt right about what I heard and it felt funny in my young mind. But I had already been exposed to so much that a young girl should not have known, so i passed it off as another new "secret".

But all my life its been ever present. Thinking you're someone special while you're in it. And throwing down with Karma when she comes around to kick your a$$ on the other side. 

So I guess its been bugging because I thought about when it relates to affairs, the woman (or man) is the home wrecker, when it was the husband (or wife) who stepped outside of the marriage selfishly. So who really wrecked who's home???? Who's home was it to PROTECT & SERVE to begin with. I guess its easy to be mad at the "other woman" because she is the unknown. You would never expect the one you love to be the one to do the damage. How could they? And now that I am myself married, I have to wonder...I mean, having this knowledge of this world..its like never forgetting how to ride a bike or shoot a gun. once you have the knowledge you cant escape it. Thats why I'm anti-gun :)

Saying Goodbye

"hello"
"hello?"
"hello, yea its me"
"oh, yea....hey"
"just returning your phone call"
"what phone call?"
"you called me the other day"
"no that wasn't me"
"does your home phone number start with 766?"
"that would be a negative. why do you think it was me?"
"you're the only one I know in the A"
"more than likely it was her"
"oh..ok, cool"
"i'd appreciate it if you would delete this number from your phone"
"oh...ok"

I just hung up. I can't believe that. I've had comeback after comeback in my mind since. Call back, say what you wanna say. say goodbye. he'd hear it in your voice. you heard it in his. he wasn't trying to be cold, he has no choice. i'm just hearing things. man, I cried. the hurt went so deep. Its been 4 months since I told his wife about us. Its been over for 8 years already. whats 4 months.

so why did I do it? why now? why did i tell her and shed it all? slithering away like a snake. I had to put an end to the crying.

so she called??...wonder what that conversation will be like tomorrow.

Sorries

I always hate it when its one in the morning and I have a million and one thoughts on my mind. Its quiet, the family is asleep and I am left to my own thoughts that have taunted me throughout the day:

1. chuck is checking out. he is my moms neighbor who loaned us the 3k that was so sadly stolen from us. and he only has 6 weeks, if not less, to live. in an instance he has forgotten who everyone is and his health has deteriorated. It leaves you feeling empty, angry, and sad. We thanked him in word but not properly with repayment before he goes. No welcome to the new restaurant you helped start. eegghh. it kinda makes me feel so very sad.

2. why is "he" ignoring me? why the f- do i care? why am i not running off with him to get married? why am i asking these questions? im not angry at the fiance anymore so why am i nervous? this wedding stuff really makes me anxious...

3. i miss my "ex". i think he called. i cant prove it. it sounded like her voice when i called back the number on caller id. his wife, ya know. thats cool. he needs to stick with her. i did what God asked and let him go but i really thought he would just be gone. I wonder though if all is good. That i wonder. I know they wont and havent split, even though he tried to make me feel bad that they had. so i just wanna know hes ok. maybe thats a sign he is. hey i dont even think i ever told that story....

so many people i wanna say sorry to.