The Other Woman

This has really been bugging me for days now. This notion of the "other woman" being a homewrecker. uugghh. I mean, i guess now that I have been both sides of the coin, i can feel both sides of the issue. I hate that I was introduced to the world of cheating. Surprisingly it wasnt in this relationship or even my previous adult relationships that I was snuck into this world. I had to say I was probably 12, maybe a year or two older. I'd have to dig deep on this one. But I knew something wasnt right about what I heard and it felt funny in my young mind. But I had already been exposed to so much that a young girl should not have known, so i passed it off as another new "secret".

But all my life its been ever present. Thinking you're someone special while you're in it. And throwing down with Karma when she comes around to kick your a$$ on the other side. 

So I guess its been bugging because I thought about when it relates to affairs, the woman (or man) is the home wrecker, when it was the husband (or wife) who stepped outside of the marriage selfishly. So who really wrecked who's home???? Who's home was it to PROTECT & SERVE to begin with. I guess its easy to be mad at the "other woman" because she is the unknown. You would never expect the one you love to be the one to do the damage. How could they? And now that I am myself married, I have to wonder...I mean, having this knowledge of this world..its like never forgetting how to ride a bike or shoot a gun. once you have the knowledge you cant escape it. Thats why I'm anti-gun :)

i gotta go

thank the Lord that no one reads about this crappy life of mine. I have been really trying to stay positive about the "downfall". It just gets harder and harder to believe that he can do anything positive and responsible for this family. Every other day I plan out how I am going to leave. And when i do get to go out bymyself without the kids or him, I am so much happier.

My family invested 3000 in our restauraunt business to help us get this loan that startup investors were sending us. the 3k was to cover legal costs, paperwork, yadda, yadda. in 60 days we were suppossed to have the money and we would be ready to get to work, cover some of our bills, and just ultimately come out from under this black cloud. it chokes me out everyday. 60 days and if no money we could have our money back and we could pay back those that we borrowed from. and now, we get a call that that money is gone, and the investors didnt pan out. I feel like crud. my family trusted me with that money and now they are gonna think so porrly of me. ive lost my way. i tried even asking my uncle who i havent talked to in 30 years if he could loan us the money to secure the lease while the investors try to work up the money for us. man, i hated that question. he and my cousins have money and i didnt want them thinking that this was the reason i was talking to them again. i feel like he talked me into it and sure enough i gave in.

i have to go back to what i know though when it comes to living. i am going to get back out get a job and work on movin out. with the two girls, maybe just the oldest child. i wouldnt have to worry about daycare if i did that. i cant stand him and i cant rely on him. i have to turn all my efforts to God and work directly with him.

Man, I wish that I could have gotten up last night and written down the conversation we had. I realized that we are not on the same page when it come to our spiritual goals. He thinks when it comes to sex, he loves me and we should just be together. Thing is, I dont believe he loves me and I really dont believe I love him anymore.

And then I had the weirdest dream. I was arguing with my ex and his wife. And the pain I felt over him was excruciating-screaming without sound. It was gut-wrenching. It dropped me to my knees. He didnt understand why I told his wife about us. I had no voice. I was lost

just another day

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: TRANSPARENT
Date: Jun 19, 2008 1:55 PM

why you wih him
when you should be
with me


just another day in the life of my wandering boyfriend. i dont even consider us to be together anymore.

Once a....Always a....

so really how am i supposed to try and make this relationship work if i find him emailing this kinda crap....

----------------- Original Message -----------------

From: TRANSPARENT
Date: Jun 16, 2008 3:10 PM


i just want to know what would it take to get you in a relationship

-- and are you really picky and anal about men- and will you ever be

satisfied with a man?

No one reads this crap

so what the heck, ima dish it all out. I am so angry about this "relationship" im in. everyday i pray for it to rain down on me a way to get out. i want out so bad. and when i say get out, i mean, i need a place to move to, a job to get, and just my own life back. i lost so much coming into this relationship. i gained two beautiful children but at a terrible price to my spirit. and it hurts i guess that i let that happen. he didnt force me into this. he didnt beat me into this. i just thought we had a good relationship and that he loved me.  he didnt make me stay broke for the last three years. give up all the financial stability i had before he came into my life. it hurts to not even hang out with my friends anymore cuz we cant afford the gas let alone the night out. all i had i always gave to him because i felt bad. i also felt hopeful though that once he dealt with his crisis we would make our way successfully into a sound future.

but at every turn he was talking, seeing, and sleeping with someone else. many other elses. man i begged and i pleaded for him to change. we had a new baby on the way. and then i begged some more...we had another new baby on the way...and then i begged some more because we had a family we needed to raise. and i found myself still begging, still pleading, and he still went on thinking i just didnt see. I even had a door open for me to leave and be with someone else. i closed that door forever. and so every cycle, as it were, he has someone new he "misses" and calls and IMs and emails all day, everyday. phone, computer. I mean he is on them 16 hours a day sometimes. random f-in women he meets online. and how ironic it is that we met online ourselves. 

whats ironic about all of this is that when i used to watch Maury shows i would say that those woman whose men cheated on them were dumb for staying. that as SOON as i knew i would be out the door. fast forward to 3 years later when i am in the cheating relationship from hell. broke, torn up credit, no job, and no friends, and just tons and tons of heartache.