Literally a Heart Ache

A little bit of a year after I graduated from high school, I gave into bulimia. I thought it would cure me of so many hurts. Weight, sadness, and so on. Stuff my face, squash all emotions by stuffing my self to the point of no return and then force it back out. At first it sucked but it eventually became addicting. The emptiness at the end of it made me feel light, and free. All the emotions would get absorbed by the amounts of food I would eat and then wash away down the toilet when the cycle was all over. And the bonus was (in my mind) that I didn't have to put a single thought into what I ate. Whatever I wanted...I ate. As much as I wanted, I ate....

But then the part of me that analyzes, calculates, and is often a curse, started to get curious about what bulimia was really about. Reading that I could have a heart attack scared me. All I could imagine was being out to dinner with friends and my heart giving out leaving me to be found right there on the bathroom floor. Yea, no way. It was tough because I was addicted. I would pray to not let this be the moment I would die from it. But I wasn't "skinny" and so just being free from emotions wasn't enough to hold me to it. I just didn't see the benefit of it anymore and quit. So I found another release for the pain. 

But ironically here I am now in a space where I find that the very foods I eat I worry about giving me a heart attack. And for brief moments I hate food and I just don't get it. I feel like its a lose/lose situation. In or out it was making me feel rotten and unworthy. I know a lot about what's good for me now and I tend to (which means 80% of the time) eat very healthy food. In fact our house is just as much vegetarian. But the struggle exists still from time to time.

In my heart though I know that God has really made such a exquisite way for our bodies to be nourished and for us to not have such battles and I try hard to use Gods blessings for strength instead of for a weapon against my body. I try harder to not be afraid to absorb the joy of food instead of the food absorbing the fear in me.  

"And he made them a feast, and they did eat and drink." Matthew 26:30

Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile