Brand New Me

It can take a long time to come to terms with who you are.

But its in there

Trust God

its just a brand new kinda free

two keys i need on my chain

i believe, it is so easy to be influenced by your internal self worth. the guide that you have constantly measured yourself with through your life. and i am starting to notice that my measuring tape is a little short. today I realize I am using the wrong set of standards to do my work, to follow my passion, to live my life by. 

"Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men, since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward. It is the Lord Christ you are serving."             Colossians 3:23-24

sometimes when I am sitting down to edit pictures, i wait until i feel "motivated" or that creative spark to do it. i figure, as an "artist" that is all good and well, but it is not the way and will of the Lord to just do it when you please. now i know, not everyone is an artist-singing, drawing, or dancing but we all have been given a talent. Maybe we can organize the mess out of an office, or we crunch numbers like no ones business, maybe our attention to detail is CIA style. some of us even know how to get down with homeschooling and managing a home like a fortune 500 business. We all have been given something to be good at. thats just the plan. and it is important that whatever we do, we do it with all our heart and as if working for the Lord. the keys to fulfillment. 

so today i got down, opened up the laptop and am plowing my way through 1000's of pictures. they have value because God blessed me with the talent to take them and now its time to share them. 

New Year 2013

towards the end of the year, i started to hear rumblings of folks true feelings towards me. it was an interesting  month because i never thought i did anything mean spirited towards anyone and so i was shocked to hear that i wasn't liked or even taken seriously. i guess i never out any mind to it until it hurt. im not saying im a perfect friend but "i thought we were friends" :)

i am saying this to say that it sparked something new in me. 

"Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is--his good, pleasing and perfect will." Romans 12:2

This is a new year and a time to reflect on a new me. when you go to a well for nourishment and the well has run dry, then you musn't keep returning to that same well. not that im saying that the well is bad or that the well should be given away. just that its not the place to go back to to get what you need. it will just have to be fixed later when you yourself learns how to fix the well. there is a time and place for all things and all relationships.

"a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,  a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing, a time to search and a time to give up, a time to keep and a time to throw away, a time to tear and a time to mend, a time to be silent and a time to speak," Ecclesiastes 3:6-7

What i really understand though is i must take myself seriously as well. what i put out for others and from me must be something i believe in as well. There are a few women in my life that i admire because they are overcoming what holds them back. i have told them so, but i realize that i need to put that same positive encouragement into my own heart. admire myself for overcoming what holds me back. and i always tell my oldest that everybody has an opinion of her. some good, some bad. but what matters most is her own opinion of herself, otherwise she will take someone elses and it may not be the good one she chooses.

Time to take my own advice and put it into practice. As well, it matters what i use to judge my own self with. And I know its time to renew my own mind according to Gods vision and design of who i am and what he intended me to be.

Happy New Year friends. stay looking forward. its time.

Live Second to the One

I am Second: Day One: Creation

No Other

I am the Lord,
and there is no other. . . .
I, the Lord, speak the truth;
I declare what is right. . . .
Ignorant are those who carry about idols of wood,
who pray to gods that cannot save. . . .
Turn to me and be saved,
all you ends of the earth;
for I am God, and there is no other. . . .
Before me every knee will bow;
by me every tongue will swear.
They will say of me, “In the Lord alone
are deliverance and strength.”
All who have raged against him
will come to him and be put to shame.
—Isaiah 45:18b, 19b, 20b, 22, 23b–24

I Am Second

I am Second

The Lions Den

There is a song that says, "what if i stumble, what if i fall? what if i lose my step and make fools of us all? will the love continue, when the walk becomes a crawl..."

This is one of those moments in our lives that has us wondering what happens now. We have had a really challenging year with the hubbys eyesight. We keep saying, "He is way to young" We didnt see this coming (no pun intended). But this is where we are...43, blind and wondering how do we get through. Truth of the matter is, right this minute I am falling on my knees asking God for a way to reveal itself to us. Our lights are cut off and the little rent we have due is coming up and the registration on the car is months past due and we keep wondering when does it end. Seems I cant work fast enough or hard enough to keep up. When you think its bad, it can get worse. 

The good thing about faith is knowing that no matter how far down the rabbit hole you fall, God will pick you up. I feel something for my husband I've never felt before because I don't know what it feels like to not be able to see; Life, the kids...me. And as a man, to not be able to keep the family secure because he cant work. I'm trying to do as much as I can to help him. 

I didn't intend to come on here for a pity party because I know that no one man or person is my source. God is. And only He can help someone have the heart, notion, grace to help us. I just wanted to see if I had the nerve to set my pride aside and ask for financial help. So if you are moved to help us, there is a paypal button below. If not, we continue to pray for the doors of opportunity to open and that we dont have to be down here for much longer. 

God is good all the time and I will follow in the footsteps of Job learning that God wants us to learn beyond what we can presently see. "Wait on the LORD; be of good courage, and He shall strengthen your heart; wait, I say, on the LORD!" (Psalm 27:14)

TWO WAYS TO HELP AND SUPPORT

http://redskyent.wix.com/arsp


OR

The Blind Mouse Donation


Option 1 $25.00 USD
Option 2 $50.00 USD
Option 3 $100.00 USD

Tiny Kitchen

Sometimes you think your life SUCKS. I've always had a best friend to show me otherwise. That all that I think is one way is really not. And most times not as bad as it seems. My best friend is Perspective. We have been together now for 15+ years. I think our relationship has grown even tighter in the last 5 years.

I view my life like I view my current kitchen. When i'm in it and cleaning it seems like there is just sooo much to do. Sometimes, I just get plain overwhelmed. Dishes, pots/pans, counters, walls, grease, cleaning out refrigerator, sweeping, and then mopping. Finally I feel done. But when I walk out of the kitchen, i remember how small it really is and I shake my head that i felt overwhelmed. Its such a tiny kitchen! that's my life. I rant and rave and feel frustrated and overwhelmed at my emotions. But then Perspective and I get together and hash out what the truth is; it's all so small in comparison.

I have a few friends who recently have been going through physical hell. Cancer, disease & surgeries. I have no capacity to understand. It seems intolerable the pain. I don't handle physical pain very well. And in fact, believe that God truly doesn't give you anything you can't handle. So I have been spared the physical trauma that I know so many have gone through or are going through. The most I've endured is childbirth and a gall bladder surgery. No broken bones, no car accidents, no cancer, no back trauma...nothing. I have suffered tremendously emotionally. It's what I can handle. Funny as it sounds, I am thankful for only having to manage emotional pain and not physical.

I pray for my friends who are (in my eyes) suffering. I know God is a great healer.

Psalm 34:19 "Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but the LORD delivers him out of them all."

Sacred Sundays

Arise Christian Center, Westchester, CA

John 10:10 says that God wants you to have an abundant life:
The thief does not come except to steal, and to kill, and to destroy. I have come that they may have life, and that they may have it more abundantly.

Psalm 11:27 reminds us to position ourselves and get locked in for favor:

He who earnestly seeks good finds favor,
But trouble will come to him who seeks evil.

The Lesson of Always in Love

I thought this Thanksgiving was gonna be the easiest, most relaxed Thanksgiving of all. We decided to stay local (since most of our family stays at least 40 miles out) and go to our churches Thanksgiving dinner. It was really nice this year. They are so relaxed and they had a movie for the kids and the doors were open to anyone who wanted to come in and eat. We cooked yams and ate all the other goods and had a great start.

We decided to stop by the hubbies moms house and grab a little to eat, let the kids play and just continue our relaxation staycation :) There was a young girl and her daughter who came up and came over to eat. She is someone the mother-in-law knew. The kids all played with the 8 year old and it was fun and easy. Then...

We got asked to give the young girl and her daughter a ride home and she tells us how she still stays with her mom to help take care of her. She is disabled. She also tells us that the lights have been cut off and have been off for 8 days. Its a $1500 bill. Huge mixup it seems. Not enough to make em turn the lights back on though. And come to find out later on, they may be kicked out when the housing they are in finds out they have no electricity. Its a condition to stay in the housing. It brought me to tears.

I have to say that we were discreetly reminded today that no matter how little we think we have, someone, somewhere has less. Our Thanksgiving lesson had been handed to us. And man, it got me thinking. I've been really itching to get out of the neighborhood and apartment we are in now. Feeling incredibly low at times. I have Faith and I tug-of-war with using it to fight the fear I have that we wont ever get up from down here. But truth is, I cant be that low if I can be on here sharing my life and pictures with you.

This is a long one I know....

anyway, all we know is we have to give some way some how to them. We certainly know we would, in our hearts, like to just pay the bill but thats beyond our means. We have had a "situation" of our own with our car and thats not easy to admit cuz you never want your friends and family to know how low you might actually be. Nor do you want anyone to take pity on you. But one thing I know for sure is that God uses you in ways you cant understand.  Its ironic that we still have the car here and for reasons we could not have seen coming,  so offering to drive her downtown in L.A. to help her get in touch with this program who helps pay your utility bill made sense. Its only one of the little things we can do. We are also looking for a battery charged light tomorrow that they can use in the house until that happens.

I encourage you to know that you are right where you need to be in your life. Even if it feels a little tight and its not where you think you should be. Its all for reasons beyond our understanding. sometimes its soooo good and sometimes it feels soooo low. But it is and thats all it can be for the moment. Its temporary. Its seasonal. 

Love requires advanced planning.
God’s plan for life began before the world was made.


Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

My Brother

I do love him. I had a dream when I was younger -10 or 11- that I was standing in our window, and it was a big bay window, at our house and he was out on the street with this old man being taken away. I was screaming for him, at him and he couldnt hear me. And he just disappeared.

My brother is in a really bad place. Now I have been in my own very tight spots but his is a doozy. Hes got jail time and it makes some other matters worse. I know that this place of hurt and lack are temporary but I cant make him hear that. He's gotta hear it from God. And I feel for him. I am always afraid though he wont see that there is a corner to turn and one day we will get a tragic phone call. I remember the days when I wanted to take my life. I remember the days when I did try to take my life. It was such a dark place. And my brother is in that spot. I wish I knew God then like I know him now. I pray tonight to God to thank him for being the light in our life even when we dont see it or know it. Whatever the outcome is, we will have the strength.

I also pray for another boy who is sad and is always running. I pray that he ends up somewhere safe and warm tonight and that the trouble he will most likely find himself in will actually move him into a new place too. Out of the darkness.

All this is so random because I dont know what to say about either. I dont know what to say or how to fix it. im sure im not being asked to say or fix but Im just lost.

Running Over or Out?

I have so many things Ive been wanting to express...but I am channeling as much of my focus into this one subject (i'll get the rest later...come back).

I struggle with success. An odd statement I imagine but its true. Most people would claim its failure they cant stand. Me too, but its also success that frightens me a bit. My husband and I have this adventure that we go on every so often... he likes to go to open houses. All the time and ALL over. We've been doing this for the past four/five years. He may have been doing it way before me, I dont know. But when i say open houses, I dont just mean any ol' house. We are talking houses in those uppity neighborhoods :)... lol. Beautiful homes overlooking the coast, with garages that hold an entire fleet of cars, servants quarters and chefs dream kitchens, wine cellars, gyms, and it goes on and on. Now, most times some of this is ABSOLUTELY wishful thinking. But sometimes, I stop, really stop and wonder....is it possible? and should it be something I can think possible.

See heres the tug of war I am having. I hear on one hand that we should lay claim to the promises of God. "Luke 6:38 (KJS) Give, and it shall be given unto you; good measure, pressed down, and shaken together, and running over, shall men give into your bosom. For with the same measure that ye mete withal it shall be measured to you again." Running over, you see, its there, right in our very own Bible. The Word. It says more than enough, not just enough to get by.

But I also lean towards feeling I should be more humble with it and one; thank God for what I have, and two; not ask for anything more than just something simple and just enough. "Deuteronomy 8:2 (NIV) Remember how the LORD your God led you all the way in the desert these forty years, to humble you and to test you in order to know what was in your heart, whether or not you would keep his commands."

It is such a challenge these two ideas because I have believed all my life for just enough and trying to appreciate what I have been given. Its not just wealth that defines me. But especially in the last three years before we got married, in my mind I feel like I lost a lot. I feel I am leaving the impression that I have slacked in responsibilities. My place financially is not sound And changing careers took its toll on what I should expect out of me and who i was and am. And it taken a long time to realize and accept that I had a new identity to create. And even now I am starting a new business and just the anxiety of creating it and keeping up with the demand is so high. Success makes me nervous. I don't much like the "open house" adventures because they feed into that anxiety of "what if". AS in what if we never get this or that. Its excruciating at times. This is not to say I do not believe in what God has for me, but isn't there the possibility of that not being for me. Isn't it possible that what I have in family and love is more than enough????

God wisely designed the human body so that we neither pat our own backs
nor kick ourselves to easily.

30 Day Cleanse

We talked about holding out on the physical part of our relationship for 30 days before the wedding because we wanted to show a serious commitment to what God was asking of us. A chance to grow closer in conversation and in spirit. I mean granted...we have two kids together and we live together. But it is a cleanse of sorts. Yea, thats exactly what it is...a cleanse. We have a chance to reevaluate the situation between us and redefine who we are without "that" being in the mix. It can cloud your judgement. And for me it carried a lot of anger.

The biggest challenge has been for us not to lay the same judgements on each other because of certain behavior. For instance, in the past when i told him no it was because i was not feeling him. not in love, not happy, not attracted, nada, nothing, zilch. and i let it be known. you couldnt sleep in the same bed as me, sleep around, and expect that i was gonna be "in to you". But in the last 30 days its been because i want to stay committed to the plan. and he is learning that i dont hold the anger i had towards him anymore. he still pouts...BAD. but its just a few more days. And we wont feel bad anymore because we will be in a nutured place of God. A protected place. Thats the cool part of it all. No matter where we've been before with all this...God really has brought us through to a more beautiful, honorable, loving place.

A Toast To Spirituality, My Life and well...Just Me!

“Once individuals link together they become something different. . . . Relationships change us, reveal us, evoke more from us. Only when we join with others do our gifts become visible, even to ourselves.” —Margaret Wheatley
Margaret Wheatley is a leading voice in the forum of new science and community, traditions and environment.

The secret, that I felt like a little kid hearing, was that all that I know in this Life of mine is centered around the thoughts that I form, have formed, will form about my reality. I watched a movie called "What the Bleep Do We Know", starring Marley Matlin the other day that discusses the subject of quantum physics.

Now I will say it is a HUGE subject to wrap your head around at first. I know I will have to watch it a few more times. It is fascinating though how our brain works in ways you never even knew to create what we know as our existence-our reality. What we Think (key word) about Love, Hurt, Pain, Happiness, Sadness, Desire, Loyalty....and so on.

For me ultimately it comes back to this, what we think, our bodies manifest into actions in and out of our bodies and what we do manifests into the reality around us. And this is not just as simple as positive thinking, which usually just masks what we really feel underneath it all, doubt, uncertainty, disbelief. But truely rewiring your mind to believe without a doubt as real and true. That if you touch it or see it or hear it it is asa real as anything else you know.

The start to it all are your thoughts: WHATS IN YOUR MIND. And I can now understand the function of Faith. Faith is a sixth sense. It reaches into the depths of what is unseen by your other senses. An example given by John Osteen (father of Joel Osteen) was that if you smell someones perfume, it does not mean that it doesnt exist just because your sense of sight and sound cannot detect it. You smell it and rely on that sense for it to be truth. And so goes Faith.

I turn 36 years old today!!!! And I am almost completely grateful that this is what wisdom can feel like. Now I know I know only half of what my Mom may know since she just turned 67 last Tuesday, but I know that I know a great deal more than times past. And I will leave those thoughts there....in the past. They were fun and hurtful and challenging and exciting but I have a whole new journey to create. And the greater thing about this idea is that it will be done through God's will. He already told us we had victory and triumph and success and healing. So now on to enjoy that as I watch my children grow. (oh and get married too!!!)

God be with those who explore
In the cause of understanding:
Whose search takes them far
From what is familiar and comfortable
and leads them to danger or terrifying loneliness.

Let us try to understand their confronting or
Unusual language; the uncommon life of their emotions,
For they have been affected and shaped and changed
By their struggle at the frontiers of a wild darkness,
Just as we may be affected, shaped, and changed
By the insights they bring back to us
Bless them with strength and peace.
Amen
By Luenig, From “Prayer Tree”

Avoiding Strife

“ It is an honor for a man to cease from strife ” (Proverbs 20:3)

Strife is a very destructive force. It can creep into relationships by starting small, maybe through a comment or a wrong look from someone, and can then escalate into something much bigger. But when you choose to cease from strife and overlook an offense, you are acting honorably, and you are honoring God.

Look for ways to walk in unity with the people in your life. The Bible says that He has commanded the blessing when we walk and live in unity.

God

I intended to come on today and talk about the shift in my life towards healing that seems to have come over night. I still will but I have to say that I was listening to Mandy Moore's cover of Umbrella by Rihanna. I was really mad that I started to until I heard it. One, Mandy Moore isnt someone i really listen too. in fact i can almost guarantee that I havent heard one of her songs. And two, Umbrella is sickeningly simple and sometimes I cant stand that kinda music. Of course I know all the words because you just cant help yourself. This combination of the two was pretty moving though. Maybe its just the place I find myself in today. But it was pretty hot.

But then as I logged in thinking no one reads this stuff and if they do, they are probably random people, I get a comment posted by someone I admire very deeply. And she brought me to tears for her compassion. I know that God will light the way. I understand that all of this that I have been through even up until last week as been meant for me to bring to light faith and how you use it. I always believed in God. Struggled tremendously with it when I was 18. Almost lost my mind over understanding my relationship with God.

But in fact our pastors word this Sunday was...do you wait on the Lord in unbelief or with expectation. And as usual, I had just discovered a few days before that we live in expectation every day and night. We go to bed expecting to wake up. We wake up expecting to have food to eat, and clothes to wear, and so on and so on. So it was as is always Gods way of expanding on those thoughts with Sundays message. So I know that I need to practice carrying that thought process through the day. I expect that my financial situation is going to be turned around and that my relationship will heal and my confidence and self-pride will return. I will love again, me, him, and all that is around me. Maybe three years ago when all this started to head downhill, I was on the other side of the fence and waited on the Lord, but thinking that more than likely it wasnt going to get better. And as they would say in "The Secret", laws of attraction are a b****! lol.

But I am good. We talked a very good talk last night and realized that just as in a drive by shooting (i live in the hood, example close to home...lol), that innocent 8 year old on the corner didnt deserve to be hit by the stray but it happens. And I am thankful that he could apologize for that and try to help us turn our relationship around and build a family that God has intended for us. When you are trying to achieve Gods purpose for yourself and those around you, Satan can really choke you out and make everything appear dreary. Funny now that I think of it, God is my umbrella. I didnt really plan for this entry to end this way but wow. How things change in the blink of an eye.

You're part of my entity,

here for Infinity

When the war has took it's part

When the world has dealt it's cards

If the hand is hard, together we'll mend your heart

because

When the sun shines, we’ll shine together

Told you I'll be here forever

Said I'll always be a friend

Took an oath I'ma stick it out till the end

Now that it's raining more than ever

Know that we'll still have each other

You can stand under my umbrella

You can stand under my umbrella

கம் இந்தோ மி life

God thank you for those who have come before us and continue to show us the way to you. Thank you for others who show you to us in so many ways each day. Help me draw closer to you so others can see you living in me. Come into my life, in all the relevance you want to have in me. Give me strength to let you take control over all aspects of my life so others can see your presence in me and follow Jesus to you….. In Jesus Name…..Amen!