Late Night Confession

-Ann Voskamp
aholyexperience.com

And why would a woman rather scrub the grime of the tile grout in the bathroom for her husband, make him plates of heaping mashed potatoes, light the candles, scour the pots, wash his underwear, rather than say yes to his wooing? Is it pride or is it shame (and maybe they are the same only by different names) or is it a symptom of a deep wound bleeding unseen or just blatant apathy and why rebuff the advances of the man who gave the ring and his promise and all of his bare male heart?



I am madly in love with this blog. I always get lead from one blog to the next and I feel like I have found my blog soul mate. And interestingly enough on a subject I currently find quite challenging in marriage (intimacy)  she has made it the subject, reposting and posting, during this "love season". 

I had to share this piece of her thoughts because I wonder now who else married may find it challenging despite the immense amount of love you may hold for your spouse?

As well, here is her book.

Well renowned and very moving.

find yourself getting lost in it....

Sleeping

Forgive me those of you who really were getting into this. I have been sick, kids have been sick, husband sick, midterms, and math homework & quizzes, and my criminal husbands community service have been keeping me off track. I am trying to change my "F" grade in math to a "C" in 5 weeks.

It can be done; I've done it before. So..

NEXT WEEK.......I'LL BE BACK

Bath-time photos child pornography?

Last fall A.J. and Lisa Demaree took a memory stick with family photos to the printing center at the Wal-Mart store in Peoria, Ariz. Some of the photos showed their three young girls, all under 5 years old, partially nude in the bathtub. The Demarees say these were innocent pictures that all families take. But a Wal-Mart employee felt otherwise and contacted the police who agreed that this was a child pornography situation.

The Demaree's lawyer released this photo to show the pictures of the girls are innocent.

A report issued by Peoria authorities described the photos as "child erotica" and "sex exploitation."

Child Protective Services searched the Demaree home and took custody of the children for a month while the state investigated. The watched family videotapes and found a few in which the children were playing unclothed. Lisa was suspended from her school job for a year, and both of their names were placed on the sex offender registry. The couple spent $75,000 on legal bills.

The Demarees were eventually cleared of any charges and their daughters returned, but they are now suing the state and Wal-Mart for what they call unfair accusations.

"Ninety-nine percent of the families in America have these exact same photos."Lisa told "GMA." "I even worry about them in their bathing suits now, if I get a shot of them in their bathing suits and they're tilting their heads a certain way or their hips are sticking out a little bit, all I think of is 'Does someone think that it was posed? Or how is that going to be perceived?'"

What do you think? Are bath-time photos innocent or child pornography?

Just like music

Music will always be a tie between us. No matter where we are, music will always put us right next to eachother. Might as well face it rein de saba, music is the language we speak. We use it to move eachother, we use it to hold eachother.
vnorene.blogspot.com

Stay

i been sittin' here staring 
at the clock on the wall
and i been layin here praying 
praying she won't call
it's just another call from home 
and you'll get it and be gone 
and i'll be crying
and i'll be beggin you baby
beg you not to leave
but i'll be left here waiting
with my heart on my sleeve
oh for the next time we'll be here
seems like a million years
and i think i'm dying

what do i have to do to make you see
she can't love you like me

why dont you stay
im down on my knees
im so tired of being lonely
don't i give you what you need
when she calls you will go
there is one thing you should know
we dont have to live this way
baby why dont you stay


you keep telling me baby
there will come a time
when you will leave her arms
and forever be in mine
but i don't think that's the truth
and i don't like being used
and i'm tired of waiting
it's too much pain to have to bear
to love a man you have to share

i can't take it any longer
but my will is getting stronger
and i think i know just what i have to do
i can't waste another minute
after all that i've put in it
i've given you my best 
why does she get the best of you
so the next time you find
you wanna leave her bed for mine

why dont you stay
im up off my knees
im so tired of being lonely
you cant give me what i need
when she begs you not to go
there is one thing you should know
i dont have to live this way
baby why dont you stay

Thanks Sugarland

Come Over

to tell you just how much I need you, would you come tonight
Or would you not believe me cause a love that easy never turns out right
I'm trying to change the rules you deserve something good in your life
We've waited for far too long so come get your blessing tonight baby

Won't you Come Over love, Sure I can show you love
Promise I got enough to give you all that you need baby
So many search to find, A love that is good as mine
I will not waste your time so bring it all to me baby

Baby let me teach you, give you love instruction, show you what I know
Need to take it easy, no need rush it, baby go nice and slow
All this love I can go to you, I expect just a bit in return
You don't have to be perfect as long as you're willing to learn baby

Won't you come over love, sure I can show you love
Promise I got enough to give you all that you need baby
So many search to find a love that is good as mine
I will not waste your time so bring it all to me baby

Turn out the lights, give you all my love tonight
Let's do what lover do, I'm ready, I'm ready
I don't want to waste your time
So don't make me beg tonight
Don't keep me waiting for love
Won't you come over tonight

30 Day Cleanse

We talked about holding out on the physical part of our relationship for 30 days before the wedding because we wanted to show a serious commitment to what God was asking of us. A chance to grow closer in conversation and in spirit. I mean granted...we have two kids together and we live together. But it is a cleanse of sorts. Yea, thats exactly what it is...a cleanse. We have a chance to reevaluate the situation between us and redefine who we are without "that" being in the mix. It can cloud your judgement. And for me it carried a lot of anger.

The biggest challenge has been for us not to lay the same judgements on each other because of certain behavior. For instance, in the past when i told him no it was because i was not feeling him. not in love, not happy, not attracted, nada, nothing, zilch. and i let it be known. you couldnt sleep in the same bed as me, sleep around, and expect that i was gonna be "in to you". But in the last 30 days its been because i want to stay committed to the plan. and he is learning that i dont hold the anger i had towards him anymore. he still pouts...BAD. but its just a few more days. And we wont feel bad anymore because we will be in a nutured place of God. A protected place. Thats the cool part of it all. No matter where we've been before with all this...God really has brought us through to a more beautiful, honorable, loving place.

Love Lockdown

I'm not loving you, the way I wanted to
What I had to do, had to run from you
I'm in love with you but the vibe is wrong
And that haunted me, all the way home
So you never know, never never know,
Never know enough, 'til it's over love
'Til we lose control, system overload
Screamin' "No! No! No! N-No!"
I'm not loving you, the way I wanted to
See I wanna move, but can't escape from you
So I keep it low, keep a secret code
So everybody else don't have to know

So keep your love locked down
Your love locked down

I'm not lovin' you the way I wanted to
I can't keep my cool, so I keep it true
I got somethin to lose, so I gotta move
I can't keep myself, and still keep you too
So I keep in mind, when I'm on my own
Somewhere far from home, in the danger zone
How many times did I tell ya fo it finally got through
You lose, you lose
I'm not lovin' you, the way I wanted to
See I had to go, see I had to move
No more wastin' time, you can't wait for life
We're just racin' time, where's the finish line

So keep your love locked down
Your love locked down
Keepin' your love locked down
Your love locked down
Now keep your love locked down
Your love locked down
Now keep your love locked down
You lose

Thank you Kanye

The Past is ever Present

Being present minded is a very difficulty task sometimes. When there are things like great kisses and lost loves and your first car and your first job and your first child and so on and so on.

i miss "him" no doubt. And he knocked me for a loop by being affected by the news. I guess i thought he might handle it better. i can only assume so much though about what he feels. So I think this may be my overactive imagination. Or it may not be. But I dont know because he doesnt talk to me. Yea, we speak to each other but to actually go back and forth in conversation about this never happens. but he doesnt realize he speaks volumes in one small text then he ever could in an email.

I am moving forward and staying in the present. Trust me, I will chalk yesterday up to grieving. But its done. I ate a cheesy pancake this morning in honor and so its done. I will miss you. I sure did love you.

this "he" is different. This one is the one of all ones. that only in my dreams could i be with. I knew at some point I would have to answer to him if i told him i was getting married. you'd think that after reading through all of this, i would have dropped the relationship long ago. I left so many times. Even felt like an abused woman for so long. not physically you know, just mentally. It really messed me up. I was considerably angry. I was plotting and planning an escape. no money and feeling like dirt on dirt, i was planning the escape of all escapes. I would leave my kids and deep inside I was imagining driving down to "him" and always hoping it would be played out like... "wish i could lay ya on your stomach and caress your back /i would hold ya in my arms and ease your fears" (thanks LL). We had one moment years back when I was pregnant with my last baby. That was the sweetest moment ever. If we could only have spoken openly that night, I would have known that he wanted to say I got you and I wanted to say thank you. But he couldnt be my savior. I've cried so many times over this. How could we miss each other so much. I always dream, awake and asleep, that we just run off and elope. Then what could anyone say to me. I would be free.

But I trust God. I always feel like, no matter what I hold inside for him, I have to go with God's purpose first. If it was to be, like I've said before, then it would be happening and we would be being.

So i knew making the choice to get married to none other than, was going to be a VERY difficult decision. In the sense that I knew I had to bottle up what I felt inside for him and carry that in my back pocket. I will pull it out often. I know thats not really the way of a "married" woman. But i dont know how to get this out of my heart. Its permanent black marker. sharpie. etched like my tattoos.

IT=LOVE. in a place no one has even been to.

This is stuff books are made of. But its TRUE and its my life.

Stuff I Cant Let Go

do you mind this subject of you and I? I think of you every single day. I wonder what you are thinking and if I call you what will we talk about and what do I have to say really and what would you be interested in knowing and I think about how easy it was to kiss you and wondering what it would be like to do it all again and I think about how i wish i could have more time to hang with you and I think about all the things i really would like to tell you about my life and I think about all the things you have done and who with and how you could tell me all about the life you've had since and if those two fit together now and I think about lying on the beach at night with you and I think about how you are grown and not so much all at the same time and I think about learning to just be and not think so much...

07/06/05...might as well be todays date...

My Secret

This all originally started out as a way to vent through some of the hurt I was going through and it has turned into a great outlet and sharing place for me. I know I only have one reader but hey...

I have done a lot of healing once I was able to let it all out and I am thankful for "blogging". I've been writing in journals since I was 12. I have folders and folders of my emotions and experiences all laid out on pages and pages. I type tons better though than ever and so I have laid the old pen and paper down.

So I've had a million thoughts and subjects on my mind in the last week and have started to come on to write but now because there is so much, I find myself signing off and then back on and then off....hahaha. i crack myself up. But here is the one thing I have to say for tonight:

ONE SMALL MOVIE GAVE ME THE BIGGEST SECRET OF ALL TIME.

oh you'll have to wait for the next post...

7/14

today is one of those days, good for anniversaries and old memories.

NO DEEPER LOVE