Kids are in bed. Its super late tonight. I should be asleep. Lately that's all I want to do though. Its been rough for me the last week or two. I feel so out of it. Depressed. But I won't show it. I work hard not to let it overcome me. My kids don't let me have time to anyway. And i'm trying not to disappoint God too much.
I think i'm just really trying to work through my life, my talents, my direction. And what really sticks a thorn in my side is the fact that i'm 37 and STILL haven't quite pinned down what I wanna be when I grow up. Ugh. Sometimes this conversation in my head gets boring. "Really veronica, you can't decide?"
What i'm finding though is I have a lot of anxiety about going back out in the job market because I just don't see anyone hiring a fat girl. I may be smart and very qualified but none of that seems to matter and I end up talking myself into believing i'll never get hired and my confidence level spirals way down.
AND...I don't want to interview and be polite. I don't want to barely recall specific examples cuz its been years and I barely remember what I used to do for work. I don't want to wear heels or stockings or skirts or blazers. I burned most of that stuff anyway. Or I just don't fit in it anyway.
But the things I wanna do, I am so mediocre at it. My skill level is far from professional. I have a genuine interest in many things but those jobs are for teenagers, 20-somethingers whose highlights are blond not grey.
Ugh just confessing this makes me more depressed. I feel like i'm gonna be stuck down here forever. That's just the tip of the iceberg.
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