i gotta go

thank the Lord that no one reads about this crappy life of mine. I have been really trying to stay positive about the "downfall". It just gets harder and harder to believe that he can do anything positive and responsible for this family. Every other day I plan out how I am going to leave. And when i do get to go out bymyself without the kids or him, I am so much happier.

My family invested 3000 in our restauraunt business to help us get this loan that startup investors were sending us. the 3k was to cover legal costs, paperwork, yadda, yadda. in 60 days we were suppossed to have the money and we would be ready to get to work, cover some of our bills, and just ultimately come out from under this black cloud. it chokes me out everyday. 60 days and if no money we could have our money back and we could pay back those that we borrowed from. and now, we get a call that that money is gone, and the investors didnt pan out. I feel like crud. my family trusted me with that money and now they are gonna think so porrly of me. ive lost my way. i tried even asking my uncle who i havent talked to in 30 years if he could loan us the money to secure the lease while the investors try to work up the money for us. man, i hated that question. he and my cousins have money and i didnt want them thinking that this was the reason i was talking to them again. i feel like he talked me into it and sure enough i gave in.

i have to go back to what i know though when it comes to living. i am going to get back out get a job and work on movin out. with the two girls, maybe just the oldest child. i wouldnt have to worry about daycare if i did that. i cant stand him and i cant rely on him. i have to turn all my efforts to God and work directly with him.