always in love

this "he" is different. This one is the one of all ones. that only in my dreams could i be with. I knew at some point I would have to answer to him if i told him i was getting married. you'd think that after reading through all of this, i would have dropped the relationship long ago. I left so many times. Even felt like an abused woman for so long. not physically you know, just mentally. It really messed me up. I was considerably angry. I was plotting and planning an escape. no money and feeling like dirt on dirt, i was planning the escape of all escapes. I would leave my kids and deep inside I was imagining driving down to "him" and always hoping it would be played out like... "wish i could lay ya on your stomach and caress your back /i would hold ya in my arms and ease your fears" (thanks LL). We had one moment years back when I was pregnant with my last baby. That was the sweetest moment ever. If we could only have spoken openly that night, I would have known that he wanted to say I got you and I wanted to say thank you. But he couldnt be my savior. I've cried so many times over this. How could we miss each other so much. I always dream, awake and asleep, that we just run off and elope. Then what could anyone say to me. I would be free.

But I trust God. I always feel like, no matter what I hold inside for him, I have to go with God's purpose first. If it was to be, like I've said before, then it would be happening and we would be being.

So i knew making the choice to get married to none other than, was going to be a VERY difficult decision. In the sense that I knew I had to bottle up what I felt inside for him and carry that in my back pocket. I will pull it out often. I know thats not really the way of a "married" woman. But i dont know how to get this out of my heart. Its permanent black marker. sharpie. etched like my tattoos.

IT=LOVE. in a place no one has even been to.

This is stuff books are made of. But its TRUE and its my life.